Computer Jokes
Clean Jokes
Slightly Trashy
Groaners
UFO Humor
Blonde Jokes
Animation Funnies
Lawyer JokesClean Jokes
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for the couple of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the big boys. He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her? Timmy nonchalantly replied, Yea, I know who she is. The little friend said, Well who is she? That's just Shirley Goodnest, Timmy said. Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? Well, Timmy explained, every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so guess I'l just have to get used to it.
- One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an
executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I
have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in
Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to
spend an eternity in." Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to
stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an
elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her
friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She
met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time
telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to
leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the
elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then
replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter
escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"
stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you.
Today you're staff."
Consider the local car dealer who went to a farmer one day to buy a cow. The farmer had been taken several times by the car dealer, so he presented the following bovine bill to the car dealer:
- BASIC COW.....................................$ 459.95
- Shipping and Handling.................35.75
- Extra Stomach.........................79.95
- Two Tone Exterior....................142.10
- Produce Storage Compartment..........126.50
- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper.............189.60
- Four Spigot/High Output Drain System.149.20
- Automatic Fly Swatter.................88.50
- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery...........179.90
- Deluxe Dual Horns.....................59.25
- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment......339.40
- 4 x 4 Traction Drive Assembly........884.16
- Pre-delivery Wash and Comb............69.80
- FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE.................$2843.36
- Additional Farmer Adjustments...................300.00
- TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options)..........$3143.36
- Monthly Support Charges:
- Bovine Digestive By-product Removal..........200.00 + .22/kg
- Interconnect to Dairy Networks................25.00
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
How to Hire High Tech People
********************************
A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions.
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psyco- industrial interpersonal optimization have resulted in the development of a simple foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly suited.
The procedure is simple: each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.
Classification Guidelines
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of a unique elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
- Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
- Go To Africa
- Start at the Cape of Good Hope
- Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alterantly east and west
- During each traverse path, (a) Catch each animal seen (b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant (c) Stop when match is detected
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cario to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those who do.
Operation research consultants can also measure the correlation of that size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
Planners, who haven't the faintest idea what an elephant looks like or where it lives, will nonetheless plan a perfect utopia. Of course this utopia (with five, ten , fifteen, and twenty year horizon plans) will never be achieved. This is because all the other hunters are too damm busy already hunting or can't afford the costs of administrating the best case social delivery system of manufactured alternative Indian Palm trees. Of course, it really doesn't matter, a federal grant paid for those studies.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the heards around arguing about who owns the droppings.
Software lawyers will claim that they own the entire heard based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the VP does go to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre hunted before the VP sees them. If the VP does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the VP's keen eyesight, and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters have made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software Salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
Hardware Salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
Validation
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they are expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least sixty seven percent confidence in statistics.
Talking
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
STRANGE NEW MACHINE
The five-year-old was showing a kindergarten classmate the new weight scale in the bathroom. "What's it for?" the visitor asked.
"I don't know," the five-year-old replied. "All I know is, when you stand on it, it makes you very mad."
Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
