Janet Boyd aka Bee Spits Puter Tek

The reference page to find out those things about computers that nobody will tell you.
And shouldn't. Continue reading at your own risk!

Issues adressed in this report:

Disclaimer

LATEST VIRUS ALERT!

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "BADTIMES," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet:

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer or pop and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
BADTIMES will make you fall in love with the mailperson.
It will give you nightmares about talk shows.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their dates to your Visa card.
BADTIMES will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.
Bee afraid, Bee very afraid.

VIRUS LIST

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 220 megabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks to 120 megs, then slowly expands back to 220 megs.

AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes, it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes, it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

BILL CLINTON VIRUS:
Promises to save your disk; then, once installed, does what all of the other viruses tell it to do and ignores its installer.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
Starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It then proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS:
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
The computer locks up, and the screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data are in Singapore.

PBS VIRUS:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it.

CLINTON VIRUS:
Makes ALL output from your computer totally unbelievable.

SEARS VIRUS:
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS NO. 2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH-CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS:
Contends that if you don't send it $1 million its programmer will take it back.

ERROR MESSAGES

SENILE ERROR file found.......Out of Memory...
ERROR: Keyboard not attached.........Press F1 to continue.
BREAKFAST ERROR transfer interrupted......cereal port not detected.
ACCESS DENIED............nannie nannie boo boo.
COFFEE ERROR file missing......Insert cup and press any key.

DISKETTE USE AND CARE

1.Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

4.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

6.Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

7.If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

8.Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9.Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....

10.You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegtable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or breifly immersing in boiling water.

11."Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use.These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.

12.You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command: FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.

13.Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.

14.Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.

DISCLAIMER

If you Beelieve any of this and follow the advice, then it's your fault.

\(o.o)/ ... 1999 - Present by Janet Boyd aka Bee Spit ... \(o.o)/
I made the Puter Tek Logo in Paint Shop Pro.
Border from Steve Connolly, icons from A-1 Icon Archive
Jokes collected from net and I added some of my ideas.
I coded the page and design the package, hope you enjoyed it.

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