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UFO Humor

61 year old Mr. Fred Cyote, of Arkoma, Oklahoma, is hitch-hiking throughout the United States ... hoping to get a ride in a UFO ! He will be carrying a large hand-held sign that reads "UFO Ride Wanted". Follow the journey. Fred Cyote - The UFO Man
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By now, everyone has heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51." Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Alien Cartoon

I found this cartoon on a collection of cartoons site.
I hunted around and found the artist.
copyright © 1997, 1999 Kevin Brockschmidt


     In what is being billed as perhaps the most convincing evidence yet that extramartianial life does indeed exist, we have today learned of a report by a rancher in Ares Vallis that he came upon the wreckage of a flying saucer that appears to have crashed yesterday on a lonely outpost of his ranch. Rancher Macks Brassel says that he and his wife were enjoying a romantic walk in the rocks when they saw what he describes as "this gigantic baggie" falling out of the sky. When he went to investigate, he found "a bunch of bubble wrap, pieces of cloth, sticks with strange markings on them, and this little alien that freaked out when we approached. He looked like he kept trying to get away, but he seemed to be stuck. We didn't want to upset him any further, so we left him there and went back to the ranch house to call the authorities."
      He described the alien as a small, flat, silvery creature that seemed to have little wheels for legs. Its head was a flat black panel. It was only a couple inches tall, but long and flat. It had very hard skin, kind of like rocks, but shiny. It appeared to be trapped in some of the bubble wrap and was beeping a lot, like it was hurt, Brassel says.
     After being alerted, the 509th Martian Army headquarters immediately issued a press release stating that the debris was simply a weather balloon that crashed, there was nothing for us to get upset about, and if any Martian thought this was evidence of visitation from another planet or something like that, well, that would be really, really silly. Nonetheless, this reporter noticed the base commander seeming to border on becoming hysterical when we tried to question him. Plus, we overheard him say on the phone to the President, "weather balloon, yeah, that'll work, yeah, that's the ticket." We saw highly unusual activity throughout the entire Army base, and heard reports that a special recovery team would soon be sent out to the ranch to recover the "weather balloon" (yeah, right) debris.
     "This was no weather balloon", Brassel insists, "I know what a weather balloon looks like and this was made of stuff I've never seen anyplace else on Mars." Brassel has been ordered to report to the government's Attitude Adjustment Center later this afternoon. He promised to give us further details when he is released, which is expected to be in a couple of weeks. We will keep you posted as further news breaks in this exciting story.

Focks Smolder Reporter

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Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

Alien and Beer

    Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

    Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

    Riker [puzzled]What the hell is Microsoft?

    Data [turns to explain]Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

    Picard:But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter thei processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

    Data:Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

    Picard:Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

    Data:Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

    Geordi:Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

    Picard:Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

    Data:Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

    Riker:Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

    Geordi: [excited]Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

    Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

    Data: [studying displays]Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

    Picard:Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

    Riker:Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

    Geordi:As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

    Picard:How much time will that buy us?

    Data:Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

    Geordi:Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.


    Data:It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

    [over the speakers]This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

    Data:The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

    Picard:Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

    Riker:My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

    Data:I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

    Riker and Picard, together [horrified]Lawyers!!

    Geordi:It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

    Data:True, but appearently some must have survived.

    Riker:They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

    Data:I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

    Riker:They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

    Picard:Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

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